Forgiveness and what lies beyond
by Lexawarrior17
Summary: This story follows clarke and lexa after the events that took place at mount weather. Clarke leaves the arc after they return by herself. She is found dazzled and wounded by Lexa's people. Can Clarke forgive Lexa for what she has done? What happens when things start to look up for the couple and can they survive what is to come? CLexa smut rated M for later chapters First Fic
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Lexa POV

I jolt awake from another nightmare about Clarke. Clarke had been missing for some time now and it was taking a toll on the Commander. I miss her but I am not going to admit that to anyone. I remember what I did on Mount weather. I betrayed her. I left her and her people for dead to save my own. It wasn't a choice I took lightly but I am Heda and I must put my people first. I know she survived. I know she is still out there I can feel it in my bones. I need to find her but there is nothing I can do now and she probably hates me. If I was her I would hate me for what I have done to her.

I get out of bed slowly and get dressed ready to face another day. Once I am dressed I go to meet Indra who is on the training grounds on the other side of the camp. I stroll through camp looking around at my people who are getting on with their jobs. I hear children laughing and playing around me which makes me feel a little better about myself. As I approach Indra I can see she is fighting one of the other grounders. She takes a swipe with her sword knocking the grounder backwards and to the ground. She pounces on top of him with her sword to his throat.

"Indra, I need to speak to you" I shout over to her. She gets up off of the grounder offering a hand to help him up. She runs over to me.

"Heda what can I do for you?" she asks.

" I want to throw a feast tonight for our people. To remember those who have fallen during battle and to celebrate our victory and also to help cheer me up a bit as I have not been feeling great recently with everything that has happened."

"I will sort that out for you Commander but I also have some news for you too! Last night one of the men on watch saw a sky person coming nearer to our camp. He believe that she is Clarke the sky princess. He said she looked pretty dazed and wounded so he brought her back to camp. She is with the healer now. I thought you should know."

" Thank you for telling me I will go over and see her now."

I turn around and start to make my way to the healer's tent. I am so nervous. I have butterflies in my stomach and I feel a little sick. I don't know what is gonna happen when she sees me again. I know she wouldn't have come here if it wasn't her last option or because she wanted answers I don't know. I open the flap to the tent and see her lying there in the middle of the room on a bed.

Clarke POV

The last thing I remember is me stumbling away from the arc. Leaving my people behind. I needed to get away. I feel like I am no longer worthy to be the leader of my people anymore. I stumble through the forest not really knowing where I am going or what I am going to do. I need to hunt was my first instinct and find somewhere to camp overnight that would be suitable for me. I had packed a bag full of supplies with a tent and some other things that might come in handy. I also took a hand gun some ammo and a couple of daggers and my sword. I was prepared for whatever I was going to face hopefully. I trail on looking for anything that could be lurking near for me to hunt. I had picked up a few things about tracking animals when I had been out hunting with Finn. Looking for tracks starts to bring up memories of him. I miss him. I feel like I betrayed him even though I did all I could to try to save him even offer myself up instead of him.

I start to track what I think could potentially be a deer. Catching a deer would be great I think to myself. At least I would have enough food from that to survive for a few days. I feel hopeful. I see that the tracks are becoming fresher and soon I spot the deer in the distance. I hide behind the trees and bushes as I attempt to try to get closer to the animal. I think about what the best way to kill it would be. I decide against the use of the handgun as I don't really want to use up the ammo. I decide that I am going to use my dagger. I am going to throw the dagger at the deer; hopefully hitting it in the right place so that it falls to the floor and doesn't run off then I will approach and make the final kill. I quietly and quickly get myself ready and in position. Suddenly I hear a fierce growl coming from behind me and before I knew it or even turn around a tiger like creature with scaly skin jumps at me from behind. I was so terrified and shock. I had no time to dwell on that though as I was fighting for my life. I quickly drew my sword from in its fastened place around my waist.

The animals was pouncing at me hitting my head and making deep scratches all over my body. I felt so weak and as if I was going to faint. I can do this I say to myself trying to encourage me to attack. I quickly took a swing of my sword at the fierce animal. It backed away from me just in time and I miss it by mere centimeters. I take a deep breath while the animal growls at me again. It goes to pounce at me again and this time I duck and as it comes above me and push the sword up and into the chest of the animal. The animal collapses on top of me but I can't feel or hear its heavy breathing so I know it's dead. I puch the beast to the side so I can squeeze out. It takes most if not all of my strength to do this. I am exhausted and feel so faint and dizzy. I decide that I need to relax a bit and will deal with the animal when I wake. I fall to sleep I think or even just pass out from everything.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Clarke POV

I woke up and I saw the ceiling of a tent above me. I felt so confused. I just lay there for a few minutes trying to remember what happened to me. I couldn't remember. Maybe it will come back to me in a bit I thought. I tried to move off of the bed I was lying on when I suddenly felt every muscle in my body aching. My body was screaming at me as I went to sit up and as I did so I heard a rustle of the tent flap as Lexa appeared in the tent. She stared at me as she walked in and our eyes met.

She looks just how I remember her. Strong and beautiful as I stare into those amazing green eyes that I could get lost in. She stands there in full armour looking like the commander with her long brown silky hair tied up in her usual braids. She looks like a warrior and not the Lexa that I had started to get to know. The Lexa I use to think as my Lexa before we went to Mount weather; during a time where we had gotten really close to each other. Then I start to feel all my anger start to build up as I started to remember what she did to me, to my people at Mount weather. I have nothing to say to her. I felt so angry that I just couldn't look at her any longer so I looked away. She stood there for what seemed like forever but in reality was about five minutes before she decided to speak.

"Clarke, how are you feeling?"

I'm not gonna reply I tell myself. She doesn't deserve my time of day I thought. I still couldn't bring myself to look at her so I continue staring at the floor. After a few minutes I think she gets that I don't wanna talk to her. Instead she walks over to me and places her soft but strong hands under my chin and gently push my head up forcing me to look at her.

I wouldn't let my eyes meet hers. I felt the warmth and softness of her hands on my chin. It felt so good and so right. Her hands lingered there and all I could focus on was how her hands felt on me. I forgot about all the anger and hurt that I had felt moments ago. In that moment I felt so connected to the brunette standing there in front of me. All I could think about was leaning up and placing my lips on hers. It was intoxicating.

I felt Lexa huff in front of me. I assume it was because I still couldn't bring myself to look into those green orbs of hers.

"Clarke we really need to talk about things. I feel like I need to explain my actions. You deserve to know why I had to do what I did. I know you probably hate me right now. I hate myself too for what I have done. Once you are feeling better the guards will take you to my tent so we can talk ok." Lexa explained to me before removing her hand and stalking out of the tent. Suddenly all my feelings of anger and hurt came back to in a wave of emotion.

Underneath all the anger and hurt though I felt lost without Lexa now that she left. I felt the warmth I had felt drain out of my body and now all i felt was ice cold. I know I have feelings for Lexa. I have since I walked into her tent for the first time and layed eyes on her. She sat on her throne in full armour and warpaint playing with a dagger. She looked so beautiful and strong and the attraction hit me like a tonne of bricks. The question is can I ever forgive her for what she did.

I guess I can let her explain and go from there. I got up off of the bed and decided I needed some fresh air to calm myself down and try to work through all these emotions I was feeling. As I walked out of my tent the guards that had been sitting outside my tent got up and started to follow me. They were dressed in full armour however no warpaint and they had weapons strapped at their hips and on their back. I didn't know if they were there to protect me to to protect me from their people. But to be honest I really didn't care about that at that moment in time. I walked through their camp see some of the other grounders getting on with their jobs and rushing around the camp. As i got towards the outskirts of the camp I saw children playing with each other running around and laughing and enjoying themselves. I decided to walk into the forest just wanting to get away from everything.

I kept walking until I came across an area that looked familiar. Memories started to flood back in about what had happened. Me being attacked by an animal and collapsing. I felt the cuts and wounds start to burn up at the memory. The grounders had saved my life. Well I guess Lexa had saved my life inevitably. She would have been the one to order the grounders to take me to her camp and heal me. She obviously still cared about me or she would have just left me there in the forest.

I felt one of the guards start to approach me as I was just standing there in the forest thinking.

"Heda wants to see you. We must take you to her" One of the guards said in a deep voice. I followed the guards as they weaved through the camp until they reached a massive tent set up in the middle of the camp. I suddenly felt really nervous. What was I gonna say. What is she gonna say. Can I forgive her? I didn't know how to answer any of these questions spinning around in my head. I felt so weak at that moment from my injuries and from just not knowing what was gonna happen.

One of the guards pushed me into the tent because I was taking so long. I stumbled into the tent nearly falling to my knees in front of Lexa who was sitting there on her throne. She was not dressed in armour this time. She was dressed in tight black jeans that clung to her legs on all the right places and a black baggy t-shirt. She looked so slim and elegant and young. She looked right at me with a smile that was starting to appear on her face from watching me nearly fall. I couldn't help but smile back feeling slightly embarrassed.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Lexa POV

I had been sitting on my bed in my tent for quite a while. I am feeling quite nervous about what is gonna happen when Clarke comes. Just thinking about it makes me have butterflies in my stomach and makes me feel slightly sick. This is my chance to redeem myself in some respects. I just hope that Clarke understands. I am Heda. I need to put my people first always and myself and my feelings second. I need her to understand that I do have feelings for her. Really strong feelings but it's hard because I believe love is weakness and that I need to not feel. I've been not feeling for years now ever since Costia but I just can't stop these feelings for Clarke pushing through. My body craves her whenever she is around and I need her. I need her in my life and in my arms. I know my people probably would think that me being with Clarke would be a weakness but I am only human too. I may be Heda but I am Lexa too. I will have to find away around that if me and Clarke ever start having a relationship. I will find a way of being with her.

I look around the tent lost in thoughts about Clarke when I hear a rustling at the door of the tent and suddenly Clarke stumbles in nearly falling to her knees in front of me. I see the slight blush on her face as she quickly tries to straighten herself. I couldn't hold back the massive smile that appeared on my face. We stare into each other's eyes for a while. I could get lost in her deep blue eyes for hours if I could.

"Hi" I whisper to her without taking my eyes off of her. She fascinates me so much. I want to get to know everything about her and her people. "Hey" she replies "You wanted to see me".

"Yes" i say "I want to explain my actions on Mount Weather and just talk to you for a bit before the feast starts. On Mount Weather I did what I did to protect my people. I am Heda and I must always put my people first. It killed me when I made the deal and made my men retreat. All I wanted to do was try to protect you too. But I couldn't. You mean so much to me. When I came back to camp I cried in my tent for hours because I had made a promise to you and I had broke that promise. I know I did the right thing for my people. I followed my head and not my heart which I have had to do for years. I cannot look weak to my people Clarke. But I felt the need to be punished for what I have done. I thought you were dead and that hurt me so much that I had done that to you. I had basically killed you. I would have had to live with that for the rest of my life. I am have gotten over Costia's death but I don't think I could have done that with you. I would have been haunted by you for the rest of my life. I've had nightmares about you dying. In some of my dreams I.. I kill you and …." I felt the tears start to fall down my face I couldn't bring myself to continue. I just stared down at the floor not knowing what to do. All I could muster was a sincere sorry to Clarke without looking at her. I didn't want to know what she was feeling because I believe that she wouldn't be able to forgive me.

I felt the eyes of the blonde in front of her stare into me. I suddenly felt her hands reach forward and land under my chin. She knelt down in front of me and brought my head up slightly to look at her. As she looked at me another tear fell down my face. I felt so weak and powerless in that moment. She held all the power over me. I look at her and see that she had been crying too. Her hands move up to cup my face. "It's ok Lexa, I forgive you. I have had time to think while I was making my way to your tent and hearing you say all that it's made me realise that if I had been in that situation I would have done the same to protect my people too. I am still a bit angry to be honest but I forgive you. You mean so much to me and I don't want to lose the connection that I feel with you. Whenever I am around you I feel so warm and safe. Knowing how much you have been hurting these past few weeks has been punishment enough" she said to me. Then she slowly starts to move forward until her lips are inches away from my own. I feel my heartbeat increase dramatically. It feels like my heart is about to burst through my chest. I want to close the distance but am hesitant. I don't know if Clarke is ready. When I had kissed her before the battle she had pulled back and said that she was not ready and I respect her too much to push her into anything.

I pull away slightly seeing a look of disappointment on Clarke's face. Her hands are still cupping my face. " I don't want to push you into anything. You told me you are not ready and I respect you too much to push you into anything."

"Just shut up Lexa" She replied sternly with a smirk on her face. Clarke brought her lips to mine with force as she kissed me. Her lips felt so good, so right. The kissed was filled with so much passion. I brought my hands down so that they rested on her waist and pulled her in closer. I started to feel weak and faint but I didn't care. We pulled away for a moment to catch our breath. The our lips met again. This time I felt the blondes tongue brush against my bottom lip asking for entry which I quickly granted. I felt her tongue slip into my mouth and I couldn't help but let out a loud moan as I felt her tongue move around my mouth. She chuckled into my mouth from hearing my moan.

My hands on her waist started to crawl up the side of her waist and slide under her top. The skin there was so smooth and soft to touch. I just wanted to feel more. I keep moving my hands up until the come to the swell at the bottom of her breast. I felt her breath hitch and she pulled away from the kiss and let out a loud moan. I took my chance and quickly pulled her top over her head and threw it somewhere in the tent. I got up from the edge of the bed with my hands laced with Clarke. I pulled at Clarke's hand hinting for her to get to her feet. She stood there in front of me and I couldn't help but let my eyes wonder down her body taking her in.

Clarke moves forward so that our bodies are pressed tightly together then I feel her push me back towards the bed. I feel my knees hit the bed. I stand there but feel her pushing against me still trying to make me sit. I feel so lost in that moment. All I can think about is the girl standing in front of me. I do as she wishes and sit down again on the edge of the bed. She moves forward and sits down on my lap straddling me. I feel her head come down on my neck and I instantly move my head to the side giving her more access as she places open mouth kisses on my pulse point. I let out another moan this one loader. I try to hold it back but lose. I feel Clarke bite down hard and let out a yelp of pain. I wasn't expecting that. That is definitely going to leave a bruise I think to myself. I'm going to need to cover that up now. I huff and Clarke notices moving back and looking into my eyes with a smirk. She knows what she has done. I don't mind if she wants to make love bites but she needs to do it in places where my people won't see or that can easily be covered. I'll talk to her about that later. I move forward and crash our lips together once again feeling the desire inside me start to build. I feel Clarke's hand start to wonder all over my body with light touches that I can barely feel. She slides her hands under my top and starts to bring it up in an attempt to get it off.

"Heda it's nearly time for the feast" Indra shouts in from outside of the tent. I break away from the kiss quickly and tug down my top hearing a loud frustrated huff come from the blonde. "We'll be out in a minute I shout back. I hear Indra slowly turn and walk away. I let out a long breath I didn't know I was holding

"I'm really sorry but we need to go to the feast, I made special arrangements. I'm sorry. I really want to just stay here with you."

I look up at Clarke who looks really frustrated with me. She gets up without saying anything and goes to look for her top which I had thrown somewhere in the tent. I get up also and straighten my top. I follow behind Clarke and push my body up against her back. I feel her moan a little from the pressure and warmth of my body pressed against hers. "We can finish this later if you want"

"Ye maybe" she mutters back pushing me away as she spots her top which had landed right in the corner of the room. She struggles to put her top on. I move closer to her to help. Once her top is back on in move close to her and bring her in for a long passionate kiss to tell her that I do want this. I want to be with her more than anything.

"Please Clarke, believe me I do want to be with you now. I really do. I want you so bad"

"I want you too she replied" As she stares into my eyes. I don't want to move from this spot but I know we have to. I move away slightly and grab her hand. I start to walk us towards the door of the tent when suddenly I am pulled back and Clarke's lips crashed into mine. The kiss was full of desire and want. It didn't last long but once it was over I kept my eyes closed for a second. When I finally opened my eyes the blonde was gone. I turned and rushed out of the tent trying to catch up with her.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Clarke's POV

As I leave the tent and make my way towards all the noise and partying I can hear, I still feel a little frustrated. I do forgive her but I'm a bit angry at myself for giving in to her really easily. Yes I have feelings for her. A lot of feelings but I'm scared. I don't know what is gonna happen. There's so many things we need to talk about before we take this further I guess. Everytime I am with her she enthrals me and all I can see or think about is Lexa.

A few seconds later I feel her catching up with me and she walks beside me towards the massive bonfire that had been lit in the middle of camp. There were people everywhere laughing and having fun. It was nice to see considering everything I had been through. Before we came into view of everyone Lexa put her hand on my arm and pushed me to the side.

"I know we need to talk about this. I don't really know how this is gonna work but I will make it work because I want to be with you. You were right when you said life should be about more than just surviving and I want to do that with you. I want to face the world with you. Whatever it throws at us. I want you. So I will work something out so that we can be together."

I look into her bright green eyes that have seemed to have got brighter and all I could think about was kissing her. After everything she had said I felt that maybe there was some hope for us yet. I move forward to her slowly so that my body is pushed up against her and bring my lips within an inch or so of hers. I wait because I want her to initiate the kiss to prove to me that she means everything she had just said. I don't have to wait long before her lips and on mine again. This kiss was sweet and cute but had so much meaning and promise behind it. I felt blow away and when the kiss finally ended I buried my head in her neck for a minute. Just wanting her to hold me to feel her there.

We walked slowly through the crowd of people. Our hands brushing each others as we walked. When we reached the other side of the bonfire there were tables set up so that everyone could sit and enjoy the feast together. At the other side of all the tables there was a small stage with a table on it for the Commander and her generals. Indra was already up there sitting next to the Lexa's throne. I wasn't sure where I was sitting. I turn to Lexa and move in closer so that I could whisper in her ear as that was the only way she would be able to hear me over all the laughing and the talking coming from everyone around us. "Where do I sit?" I asked her. She turned her head and looked at me and just pointed to the seat on the other side of the thrown. I nod at her telling her I understood. As we are approaching the stage I spot Octavia, Raven and Lincoln. I tap Lexa and point to them. She nods and make her way to her throne while I walk over to my friends. I hadn't seen them for over 3 months. I felt a bit nervous but glad to see them and to know they are safe and healthy.

As I approach them Octavia runs up to me and grabs me into a massive bone crushing hug. "I've missed you. So much has happened since you've been gone, How are you?" She said to me enthusiastically. "I missed all of you so much too and I'm ok just a little bruised and scratched but I'm ok" I replied as we walk over to Raven and Lincoln. I walk up to Raven and bring her in for a hug too. "So how have you all been" I asked to the group. Raven spoke first "We've been good. It's been so different around camp without you there. I've missed you. I think we all have. We've sent out numerous search parties to look for you. Where have you been?". "Just all around really" I replied.

We continued to chat and share stories for a bit before everyone was told to take a seat. I made my way onto the stage and sat down in the empty seat next to Lexa. As I sat down Lexa looks at me and my eyes meet hers and I suddenly relax a bit feeling safe next to her. She looks away and I feel her hand reach out and placed on my thigh. I let out a smile and place my hands on top of hers holding her hand in place. Once everyone was seated Lexa, The Commander got up to make a speech. I let her hand go and felt the warmth that I had felt from her hand being there drift away. It was so mesmerizing seeing how much her people respected her. They all were looking at Lexa paying close attention. They all loved her, trusted her and believed in her.

"Today's celebration is about celebrating our victory over freeing our people from the Mountain men as well as honouring and grieving for those that we have lost along the way. It's been a long time coming. The mountain men have been threatening our people for so long but not anymore. Thanks to Clarke they are now gone and we can all live without fear from the mountain men taking our people. We honour those we have lost today. They were such strong and loved warriors and people. They will all be missed and never will we forget what they have given up for us to be here. So anyway enough from me. I hope you all enjoy the feast and have a good time"

Lexa sat down and as she was doing so some of the grounders starting bringing food around and putting it in the middle of the table. There was so much food. It must have taken them so long to cook all of this I though. I look up and turn to look at Lexa. She had started piling up some food on her plate. I watch her for a while as she turns and talks to the grounders placing the food on the table and to her generals. She started laughing a few times and I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She is so beautiful. So captivating. When the conversation starts to die as people start to tuck into their food she looks over at me and our eyes meet. I feel a little embarrassed so turn away from her and finally start to put some food on my plate as I suddenly felt so hungry and the food smelt so good. As I started tucking into my food a I felt a hand being placed on my thigh again. I felt the familiar warmth spread through my body. I turn to look at Lexa and I can't hold back the smile that was plastered on my face.

After the feast was finally over after all the singing and dancing we headed back to Lexa's tent followed by her two guards. As we approached the tent Lexa turned to the guards. " Take a wider perimeter tonight please and don't let anyone interrupt us" she told them. Then she turned took my by the hand and marched us into the tent. I suddenly felt really nervous. There were butterflies in my belly. As we enter the tent she turns to me and connects our lips into a heated kiss. My arms make their way to her waist. I feel her hands cup my face trying to bring us closer together even though our bodies are flush against each other. Desire kicks in and all I want to do is feel Lexa's body. To explore it and learn everything about it. Lexa pulls away from the kiss and rests her forehead against mine. " We don't have to do anything if you don't want to. We can just hold each other tonight. I will wait as long as you need until you are ready" she whispers to me.

I don't know if I am ready. I know I am ready to give this a try. I want Lexa so bad but I don't want to rush into anything but at the same time all I want to do is show this woman how much I love her and want her. I feel so happy that she cares so much about how I feel and that she would wait for me and gove me as long as I need. I want to take this slow as I want this to last but at the same time I don't think I can stop myself. Without thinking I bring my lips to hers again with desire and want and I bring my hands up trying to remove the Lexa's armour. I struggle with this and I hear Lexa start laughing into the kiss. She breaks away. "Maybe this is a sign that we shouldn't rush into anything, at least not tonight" she says.

"Ok maybe not tonight but I can't promise anything about tomorrow" i reply as I make my way over to the bed. I sit on the bed and remove my shoes. As I am doing so Lexa is taking off her armour. I watch the precision she has for taking off her armour. It shows the years of experience she has with removing her armour. Once she is done she turns to look at me catching me staring at her. I look at her. Her body is so perfect. It is slim which is hard to tell when she has armour on. She has strong long legs and a flat toned stomach which are shown off by the tight black jeans and tank top that she is wearing. I can't take my eyes off of her.

She walks over to the bed and sits down next to me. Now she is closer I can see that there are slight bags under her eyes. SHe must be quite tired I think. I take her by the hand and move us up the bed so that we are laying down with our heads on the pillows. I curl myself into her so that my head is lying in her neck and my hand is laying on her strong toned stomach' She moves her arm instinctively so that it is behind my head and cuddles around me bringing me closer to her. I feel so comfortable in that moment. It felt so right. We fitted together perfectly. After a while I hear Lexa's breathing even out and I turn my head to look up at her. She had fallen to sleep and she looked so peaceful. I wiggle a bit to get more comfortable and start to feel myself drifting off to sleep.


End file.
